as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
