you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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