I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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