can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
