there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
