I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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