I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
