I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
