Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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