Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize