i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
