PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
