Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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