Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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