girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
