never play flip cup with pint glasses
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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