I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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