i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
