Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I would fuck him just for his dog
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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