Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
