I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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