i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
