I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
