as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
