why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just want nice things and good sex
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
