halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
