Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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