i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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