Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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