Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize