You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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