A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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