i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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