i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
