How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
