miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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