whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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