weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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