I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize