So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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