I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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