to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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