you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize