John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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