So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
