they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
