If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
