just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Let's get the cat blown out
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
