so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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