forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
