god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize