2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
