I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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