So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
