I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
