So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
