; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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