note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
