I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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