Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
