Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
