i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
