The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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