you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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