I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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