I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
